Sarcasm Inc. and Just “Bring It” Enterprises

This one’s for the Pig. This could be the longest post I have ever written…could also be my last. It comes from within the deepest recesses of my slightly twisted and somewhat delusional brain.

What in the bloody hell is going on? As I eagerly awaited the final game of the college football campaign, all the bullshit of USC and Utah and Texas began to hit the fan.  We’re Number 1…No, we’re Number 1…Wrong guys, we’re Number 1.  Big F’in deal bitches.  There’s never been a playoff and there isn’t going to be one for at least another decade, so for all the whiners I have a coupon for a case of Shut the Fuck Up.

Then we get the over-coverage of the National title game.  Tim Tebow and his Florida Gators traveling all the way to unfriendly confines of….Florida? Playing the Sooners? Side note: What the fuck is a Sooner? This just in (according to the Wikipedia Monkey) a Sooner is a term used to describe settlers who entered the Unassigned Lands. Now I get it, fear me for I have come from somewhere and am going to unassigned lands! The mascot ought to be Sammy Sosa. I digress… As if, shaah…Oklahoma has the most incredible penetrating offense since the one the Romans used to overtake Egypt and lay claim to Cleopatra’s fine Nubian badonkadonk.

The Big Frickin 12 and Oklahoma

700 points!?? After I finished singing the first three verses of “How Great Thou Art”, a thought came into my head…”How much the Defenses in the Big 12 must sucketh”.  Hell, even Notre Dame provides more goal line prevention than those puds (yes I said puds…running out of synonyms for dick, suckwad, pussies, and Lisa Hore(n)).

Speaking of Rosie O’Donnell, I ventured over to the ball-less sports blogging forum known as foxsports.com/therapist and found and ever-so intrigueing post by the She-Yeti.  This informative piece gave me a perspective that could only be achieved through a Zema/Jaeger/Fuzzy Navel/Nyquil shot main-lined straight to the nutsack. Fidel Castro and the BCS.

Really, it is so f’in true! While I don’t recommend actually reading this piece of shit in its’ entirety, I do recommend leaving comments to further torment the living crap out of Janet Reno’s twin sister from a different monkey.  What the Whorn wrote was incredible…read below:

The AP represents the freedom fighters in Cuba, and while we hope they crown a different champ to make a statement - like a write-in name in a Cuban election - it will fall on deaf ears.  The BCS has done the same thing to America. They have determined that two teams are the best in the country by virtue of perceived conference strength. Utah, despite going undefeated, cannot be a BCS Title game contender. Utah is like capitalism to Cuba- it may look good on paper, but it’s not right for the economy, so “no soup for you.”

Sweet mother of all things Holy! Actually comparing the social-economic state of Cuba to the BCS? Utah is capitalism and the BCS somehow has any fricking effect on daily life in America (my guess is that this really makes Canadians happy).  Sonofabich! I never really thought about it that way.  The BCS is sticking it right up my bunghole and I never felt it…bastards! “No soup for me” is dead on.  No soup for Lisa either, just a big old zuccini for her to rotate upon.

While I’m still on a full-sized woman kinda rant….Beyonce? WTF? Anyone else catch her-thighness dancing on the AMA (American Music Awards)?  Rule #1 of  ”How to make yourself look not as fat as you really are”: Wedge yourself between two women with thighs the size of  your average NFL Defensive lineman. Rule #2: Bring a smoke machine with you…everywhere (makes people think, “damn! where did all this smoke come from”). Rule #3: Dance really fast so your fat ass becomes nothing but a blur.   For a free demo, click on Hereonin

Sarcasm of the NFL past….

While the Lions are the best 0-16 team of all time (and some douche-bag decides to get a tattoo in honor of it), I believe that my Chicago Bears are the worst 9-7 team ever.  Urlacher, Briggs, Vasher, Ogunlye, Brown, Brown, Payne, Tillman, and Tommy Harris.  The best defense to never play defense.  Nice f’in offensive line…no one under the age of 40.  We finally get a nice running back and over-use/abuse the kid in his rookie season.  If Kyle Orton is the future, then give the hillbilly some tools to work with…ie. wide receivers (make a call to Detroit, they have extras they’re not currently using).

Ben Rothlesberger? When every season looks the same as your rookie season, you may have peaked.  And why is it that Pittsburgh backup QBs always look like an all-pro?

Pac-man? Benjamins, guns, and strippers oh my.  The diffence between Adam Jones and Michael Vick? Vick will be playing in the Niffle next year.

Browns-Marinelli, a match made in Cleveland. Marinelli was so successful with the talent he had in New Jersey that Cleveland couldn’t pass him up.

Anyone else notice that Charlie Weiss disappeared at the same time that Andy Reid gained another 350lbs? Just askin’.

Goober’s (PManning) forehead got bigger too.  During his postgame interview last weekend, I could’ve sworn I saw an add for GoDaddy.com on that skin tarp.

Sarcasm of MLB future…

Chicago Cubs traded Mark DeRosa to the Tribe for 3 minor league pitchers (not to be confused with the Pirates starting rotation).  Cubs traded the Uberinfielder for minor league pitching? I hope this was done in an attempt to get a deal done for Jake Peevedy of the Padres.  Not to be outdone by no one, GM Jim Hendry then signed DH/Outfielder/Clubhouse Cancer Milton Bradley for only $30 million over 3 years. Should Bradley comlete his contract in Chi-town, it’ll be the first time he’s been in the same place since his 3 years in 8th grade.

Sammy Sosa wants to make a comeback? All I have to say to that is STFU.

Yankees spending a total of $425.3 million — nearly half a billion — to sign CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Mark Teixeira, to long-term contracts.  Let me think on this…I’m hoping my wife’s car survives for another 4 years, I want to take karate classes with my daughter but cannot afford the extra $75/month, people are losing jobs left and right, but New York has so much cash that Half a Billion dollars aint no big thing. Fuck you Yankees, I hope the Rays smoke you again this year.

Thats about all I got…in only 1091 words

Love,  Smoketheblowfish

(1094 words)

The Chicago Bears (5-4) were defeated by the Tennessee Titans on Sunday afternoon by a score of 21-14.  Jeff Fisher stated, “It’s nice to win a ballgame and not play well”. Rex Grossman retorted, “It’s nice to start a game and not play well”. The game began with the Titans offense going 3 and out.  The game ended with Chicago’s ensuing touchdown drive of 75 yards.  In this case, the beginning was the end.  Rex Dillhole threw for 1 yard in the second quarter and amassed another 19 yards in the 3rd.

Game over for the Bears? Without his Orton-ness directing the offense, it was over before the #8-wearing midget stuffed his jock during the pre-game taffy pull. When asked about what he would’ve done differently in hindsight, Grossman responded with “Offensively, we needed to get the ball out of there and flip the field for the defense, which we didn’t do”. Translation…we got buried in our own endzone and we couldn’t throw the ball to an open receiver. We couldn’t checkdown. We couldn’t see over the guards, tackles, or that center guy. Hell, we were just trying to figure out which end of the ball to put our index finger on.  We hope Kyle gets back real soon because we suck.

Bitter? me? Nope. But the fact remains that the Titans didn’t do sh*t. Jeff Fisher didn’t coach, and Kerry Collins is exactly who we thought he was! But I digress….The Titans live off of balance. The Titans amassed a whopping 20 yards rushing (-5 in the first half). The Bears defense thrives off of turn-overs and disruption. They did both. Frankly, there were only two ways for Chicago to kick the crap out of the weakest 8-0 team since the Bears of 2005: A) Give Orton a main-line of Jaeger  B) Allow Bears fans to wear firearms to Rex’s pre-game meet-n-greet.

Congrats Tennessee, you didn’t let Grossman beat you.

ps. You still suck

New York Daily News. Paper of the Big Apple.  New York, New York…hell, even New Jersey! #4 is undecided on whether or not he will be playing Niffle football during the 2009 season. Woooo f’n Hooooo! Personally, I love Brett (not in a “taking warm showers, washin each other’s back with a Loofa” kinda way). Favre is like Dennis Rodman or Bill Laimbeer or Brian Johnson in the way that I hated them unless they were on my team (or playing “For Those About To Rock”).  It seemed that poor #4 couldn’t catch a break. Not in NJ/NY and definitely not in the land of fat chicks and cheese. The guy is nearing his Testeverde years and thought processes such as; making career decisions, remembering where he last put down the remote, and only using one side of the toilet paper, start becoming a wee bit more difficult. Eric Mangina named his child after Sir Favre…Zack Brett Mangini (born on BF’s BDay).  Will Brett play another year? Will Madonna finally blow a rod? Will Joe Plumber vote for McCain? Will Palin suck down a six-pack of shut-the-Chux-up?  All are very important questions. My only question is…does Jessica Simpson shave the Beave or leave just a teeny tiny bit of landing strip?

It’s been a while boys, hope you don’t mind the loss of some of my sarcastigorasmic talent…requires much practice…and up until the past few days, blogging hasn’t been a treat I’ve had  time to allow for myself.

Thanks,

Mike Z (stbf)

Sidenote as a preface to a soliloqui:

No I didn’t die or even crawl back to the pile-o-feces (f’emsports.com).  It’s just that sometimes a man needs to sit back and admire the empire of dog poo eagerly awaiting it’s post-winter pickings. Personally, work has gotten extremely busy (shitty economy means more work in the automotive field). My personal life has gotten a wee bit busier also (teaching my 8yrold daughter the how to’s and how not to’s of softball).  I’m also heavily involved in some solid ‘me time’. After dropping 25lbs since 12/30/06, I hit a stinking plateau and have been struggling to come up with something to get me down to 205lbs and 9% bodyfat. I’m currently at 221 and hovering in the 14% bf range (turbulencetraining.com).  Yep, solidly stuck in the middle of me-time!

WTF 1: If I don’t live in Boston, Detroit, LA or San Antonio…should I give a flying rat’s ass about the NBA?

Ans: No! It’s okay to ignore the NBA post-season provided you are just anticipating Women’s Beatch Volleyball season.

WTF 2: Brian Urlacher: whiny little pussey or due some cash consideration?

Ans: Whiny little pussey! Nobody made him sign his last contract. Nobody forced him to pocket the signing bonus. You don’t like the current contract? Take you ball and get the F outa Chitown.

WTF 3: AL Cental is upside down

Ans: Yep! How bad is the division when the Chisux are depantsing the Tribe and Tigers on a weekly basis?

WTF 4: Did the right David win American Idol?

Ans: Yep again! Anyone with the last name Archuleta will never get a vote from Redskins, Rams, or Bears fans. Did you hear what David Cook did with ‘Hello’ and ‘She Bops’?

WTF 5: Who took my Sarcastic Genius lapel pin?

Ans: I’m still looking

Later guys. I know this isn’t my best work, but it’s all I could muster in a 5 minute break.

Setup: Cincinnati Reds player Adam Dunn crushes a Kyle Farnsworth-like off-speed pitch over the right field fence during Reds 9-2 pounding of the beloved Cub. Ball lands somewhere between Sheffield Ave and Lake Michigan. As tradition has it, ball must be promptly retrieved and immediately returned to sender. In this case, 15 to 20 balls were returned to the hallowed grounds of Wrigley Field via airmail over the right field wall. Personally, I found this funny, amusing, it even elicited a rarely heard guffaw-chortle-snort from this lifelong Cubbies fan.

Side note: Things in recent Cubs history to cause the rare guffaw-chortle-snort…
1. Sammy Sosa cracking rib after sneezing
2. Kyle Farnsworthless going on DL after kicking a fan (of the electric variety)
3. Takeru Kobayashi losing his lunch after downing hotdog #55 during Famous Nathans 2007 Hotdog Eating Championship. (Kevin Bacon Rule…Cubs were interested in another Kobayashi, ended up getting Fukudome who happens to know both Kobayashi’s…but I digress)
4. Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael’s singing of the 7th Inning Stretch in which he called out the Home Plate Umpire.

Back to topic

Reds announcer Marty Brennaman decided to rip Cubs fans with some serious jabs immediately after the game. “This is the kind of thing…that makes you want to see the Cubs lose”…“Cubs fans are far and away the most obnoxious fans in this league”…“You simply root against them. I’ve said all winter, they talk about this team winning the division. They won’t win it because they are still the Chicago Cubs and they will figure a way to screw this whole thing up”.

But was Marty done with his eloquent diatribe? Not by a long shot! Marc Silverman, of WMVP 1000-AM in Chicago, had a chance to interview Brennaman on Friday and see if cooler heads prevailed. When asked if he regretted his comments, the response was another Shakespearian-like soliloquy. Brennaman replied with, “It may have been over the top (but) the only qualifier I will offer is that to the true Cub fans I apologize to them because I know there are great fans in the town.” Marty making nice? Wait for it, wait for it…

“I understand all these fans are all upset. Half of them are probably brain dead to begin with.” When asked to elaborate on his “problem”, he stated that it is with the fans throwing 15-20 balls on the field. Marty went on saying, “You don’t see it happening in any other ballpark. While you have tremendous Cub fans, you also have people who go with the intention of getting drunk and raising hell in that ballpark.”

The_Wrath of The_Phoenix in letter form:

Dear Martin,
You are a douche-bag. “Half of the Cubs fans with the intention of getting drunk and raising hell”? FYI, the drunken evil-doing ball tossing Cubs fans thou speaketh of, weren’t even in the ballpark…they were outside because the glue you were sniffing was giving them a contact high. 40,000 fans in attendance and 20,000 are drunk on a regular basis? In order to make an assessment regarding conduct in Wrigley, one must first have a sense of humor…

One must also spend time in the seats of the true fans….

And finally, one must worry about his own team, worry about his own fans, and most of all, STFU! In closing, I found a Video from Saturday Night Live that pretty much sums up my feelings about what you are Marty. Your job consists of watching the Red and pontificating about the evils of my Cubs from the announcer’s box, hence my tribute to you Mr. Brennaman…enjoy.

Dick in a Box

Love,

The_Phoenix/smoketheblowfish

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see

Bobby Wade was working out in Arizona when he heard the news. As Wade told the story Tuesday, one of his trainers rushed over and said: “Minnesota Vikings, NFC North champs!” 

Occasionally the addition of one player will make an impact on an offense, a defense, and even an entire team. While most teams are attempting to shore up their weaknesses through free agency, few could ever hope to pull off the miracle of ‘addition through subtraction’. Is Minnesota the beneficiary of Green Bay’s loss? Should be and could be, but won’t be.

Last year the Vikings finished the season with consecutive losses to the Broncos and Redskins, barely missing out on the post season. Defensively, Minnesota ranked 20th overall, but held the opposition to 74 yd/game on the ground. While the front seven was handling everything on two legs, the secondary was waving the white flag giving up 264 yards per game (32nd in the league).

On offense, the Vikings routinely destroyed opposing defenses by imposing their will (and Adrian Peterson) to the tune of 164 yds/game and 5.3 yds/carry. Synonymous with the Black and Blue Division…yes. Old School…yes. Will it work in 2008? Hah! (That’s ‘no’ in Chicagoese). Green Bay caught fire in a bottle when Ryan Grant erupted for 107 against Denver in week 7 and continued to provide defenses something else to worry about. Prior to that, the Pack was relying on the arm of #4…a recipe for self-destruction during igloo season in Wisconsin. A Championship team must display a penchant for excelling in both the run and the pass (learned that from Joe Theismann). Nearly every team in the playoffs did so, but the Vikings weren’t in the playoffs, were they? (Rhetorical, don’t answer this part of the quiz)

So what’s missing? The offensive and defensive lines are stacked. Running backs? The tandem of AP and Chester Taylor proved to be the best in the league last year. The passing attack? This is where it gets ugly.

Sorry…not that ugly, but I digress.

Tarvaris Jackson enters his second full season at the helm, Kelly Holcomb (backup) is gone, Brooks Bollinger is still on the bench, and the list of free agent backups is less than impressive. How about Daunte Culpepper (again), Byron Leftwich, Todd Collins, Tim Hasselbeck, or even Vinny Testesverdes? Actually, there are backups available who could take Tarvaris’ job if he didn’t have nasty pics of Brad Childress and Zygi Wilf munching on chalupas in the team hot tub.

Minnesota did decide to upgrade the receivers by adding $42 million in dropped passes (Bernard Berrian). Vikes fans will enjoy watching him speed down the sideline, settle under the ball, and watch it bounce off his helmet as he counts Benjamins. The positive is that defenses won’t be able to key on AP with the deep threat available to a quarterback with a rating of 70.

On defense, free agent safety Mewelde Moore signed of for six years at 30 million…some help, but not 264 yards/game worth. With DE Kenechi Udeze being diagnosed with leukemia and Erasmus James is coming off knee surgery, Minnesota has made feeble attempts at A-List talent and will have to rely on p p p potential. Potential is French for “we’re screwed”. More than likely, Minnesota will look for defensive starters in this years’ draft.

This is a team that will be fantastic once a few holes are filled, but even the void left by Brett Favre isn’t enough to allow Minnesota to become the NFC North Champion. That distinction will belong to the Detroit Lions (unless Chicago drafts a running back, wide receivers, 2 offensive tackles, a guard, a safety, and hires a new offensive coordinator).

Commodus: Your EmBearor asks for your loyalty, Maximus Ventus. Take my hand, I only offer it once.
Maximus Ventus: I beseech thee EmBearor Commodus. While I cannot offer my hand, let me offer you a finger. I call it “The Bird” and the mercenaries of Carthage call it “The Blowfish”.

My friends of blogdom, this is a rant…..Chicago Style

In the land of Chicago, while on winter vacation
Kyle Orton the Bear quarterback, was in deep contemplation
Should I stay in the Midwest or go far away?
Oakland or Pittsburgh, maybe Tampa Bay?

Has it been just over a year since Super Bowl XLI?
I carried a clipboard as Rex pissed down his thigh
Prince brought down the house with his Purple Rain
And Lovie (the scarecrow) asked Oz for a brain

So Orton did ponder and wonder and ponder and think
For my decision to be made, I must have a drink
He drank and he thought and he drank about ten more
His vision became blurry and he hit on a whoore (Canadian)

Her nose was quite sharp, her chin was quite strong
Her five o’clock shadow didn’t seem all that wrong
She called herself Jerry with the utmost decision
Her forte was scouting defense with impressive precision

Orton’s haze seemed to lift and his head became clear
Jerry put something in his drink; she had drugged his damn beer
Angelo, Jerry Angelo, dolled up like a chick in a dress?
“Yes Kyle, it’s me. I’ll have to explain and even confess”

“We have no run game, no receivers, no line, and a bad offensive coach”
“We have Griese and Rex Grossman”, he said as he snuffed out his roach
I have a Defense, two Tight Ends, but no one to take charge of this team
I want to win the big one, wear a hoodie, get in the HOF…that is my dream!

Orton snickered at this as he stared Angelo in the eye
Grossman for 3 mil., Des Clark two years for just 5?
What the hell are you thinking? Rex, C Benson, and linemen 40 years old?
This team really doth suck, if the truth must be told

I’ll play for you Jerry, but you must follow my rules
Pay me $4 million clams and get me some tools
A stud at left tackle, right guard, and a back
Get rid of Ron Turner, the guy’s such a hack
Let me call all the plays….I’ll run more than I’ll pass
Keep your nose out my business, get your head out your ass
Some Orton photos that will make y’all wish he was your QB

Rant Part Deux

Bear down Chicago Bears. Just over a year removed from the Super Bowl, coming off a pathetic season, yet the collective genius of upper management has spoken:

*Raise ticket prices for 2008 because. Because the Bears aren’t willing to spend money on quality players, the salary cap goes up, and a smaller payroll equates to a higher net profit. You mean we get to pay more and watch a bad team and freeze our manhood off in the snuggly confines of the Soldier Field UFO? What an unexpected bonus! I hope that comes with a Thigh Master.

*C Benson will have competition for the starting running back spot? Meanwhile back in the Bat Cave….the Bears have Zero A List talent in the backfield. The starting back will earn the position by what? Bouncing the farthest off his lead block? Recognizing a blitz (blocking not required)? How about a punt, pass, and kick competition? How about a “who can eat the most Ditka Dogs without puking in the hot tub” competition? I like the last idea, but we’re gonna have to get Lovie and Rex out of the tub first.

*Sign Rex Grossman for one more year at $3 million? The waiting list for season tickets just got longer…wooooo! Eli Manning finally paid dividends for the Giants, so (by process of elimination) Rex will become good too. Makes sense.

*Bears are considering carrying four quarterbacks next year (it’s true). Maybe they can smoosh ‘em all together and make one big Trent Dilfer.

*Give up on Brown, but not giving up on Brown. Guard Ruben Brown released after playing injured for most of the 2007 season. Safety Mike Brown (missed 43 games in the last 4 seasons) will be retained. Lovie Smith feels that “Mike is another part of the core”. For a translation of SmithSpeak, please dial 1800-FOR-DORK.

*Bernard Berrian…gone. Muhsin Muhammad…gone. Mark Bradley will now take his place as the #1 receiver…earned it with 6 catches last season.
I know I said, “Management has spoken”, but I’m not done with management quite yet.

Jerry Angelo/Lovie Smith quotes from the past week (I’m not making this up)

“There was a real good offensive lineman that we wanted at the time we drafted Kyle (Orton)…we opted to take Kyle and it really panned out well for us. So I don’t understand the value of the quarterback position” – JA

On moving left tackle John Tait back to right tackle (his natural position).. “If we go in the draft and the best tackle is a left tackle, what do we do with John?” – JA

“In the offseason you’re trying to improve your ballclub…we’re not saying we have all those areas taken care of” – LS

“The thing you have to do is create sobriety in the marketplace. Because you have the money doesn’t mean you have to spend the money.” – JA Bears fans are still waiting for spending to occur on players not named Kordell Stewart, Muhammed, and/or Archuleta.

So class, what have we learned today? What are the needs of the Bears going into the draft/off season?

·Free Agent signings on the Offensive Line (left tackle and guard), a safety (replace Mike Brown), number one wide receiver, and running back.
·Trade down with the first round pick. Wide receiver or running back with first selection, Offensive line with remaining picks…pretty simple huh?
·Hire an offensive coordinator with the ability to utilize the speed of Devin Hester and TE Greg Olsen. Must have football IQ high enough to realize that the screen and reverse shouldn’t be used 10 times per game.
·The Bears need to spend money on good players, not could (be good) players.

Here endeth lesson #20

We’ve all been there yelling at the TV while watching any NFL football game, haven’t we? It’s amazing what comes from the mouth of the average, middle-class, vertically challenged male in the 30-50 year-old demographic while viewing a game. Phrases like, “Who the hell was he throwing to?” “Not another draw play”, and “Where is the pass protection, coach?” flow freely from my mouth like driblets of gel from Pat Riley’s finely coiffed do. It is during this impromptu spew of unanswered questions and free form swearing, that my wife will usually attempt to wrangle my testes and secure them in her purse. I’ll look around the man room, taking note of the carnage; man’s best friend hiding under dining room table…check. Remote control buried in couch via carom off of TV…check. Daughter using some fairly creative adjectives to describe her thoughts on homework and/or vegetables of the green variety…check. Wife blocking clear path to both the fridge and TV (simultaneously)…check. (Note to self: loud belching should never be used to secure the affections of a slightly PO’ed spouse).

These are all merely collateral damage in the grand scheme of things. When I say grand scheme, I am referring to my sports-feelings. Like it or not, guys are sensitive! We are emotionally in tune with the fortunes/reversal of fortunes of our teams. If after 13 years of marriage, I can remember to put the toilet seat down, then why can’t I get relief from my spouse? Most of all, why can I not catch a break from the media-enhanced stupidity (flowing from both the speakers of my stereo and my television)? Is that where the nonsense stops? I say thee nay! From the snuggly confines of my suburban adobe, I hop into my ride (40 year-old expression for Car), head off to work, pop on the satellite radio and listen to the ramblings of ESPN (Mike and Mike, PTI, Dorks Around The Horn) and the NFL Network. It was during my ride home from work last night that it (an idea for this post) happened…Dream Sequence due to lack of continuity in prose….

…… as I was enjoying a brisk and ever so enchanting seventy-five minute drive home (30 miles), I was trying to come up with a post for this week. My MO is clear and simple: give me a topic (NFL) and I am stumped. Tell me that I can’t write about a topic and I become Chaucer. When you’re stuck in an enclosed space for over an hour, and your options for entertainment are Blue Collar Comedy, CNN, Fox News, Playboy Channel (nudity on radio?), or Howard Stern, what do you do? Being the idiot that I am, I opted for ESPN and the NFL Network …just had to get my Michael “Chris Rock” Wilbon/Tony “The Comb-over” Kornheiser fix and a smattering of “The NFL Blitz”. There it was basking in an amber aura! Jay Mariotti, the Chris Carter, Chris Rock, Terry Bradshaw and even Mike Ditka, all speaking some sort of Aramaic nonsense while sitting on their collective mouthpiece.

Ahhhhhhh! Dudes! You are the NFL experts/journalists who are supposed to be helping me out, giving me a place to vent, but you give me nothing. I look for guidance and clarification of facts. I look for sanity in an insane world; the truth is out there. What I got last night was the following:

• A list of over-rated NFL players? Who over-rated them in the first place? My guess would be the same guys who gave us the over-rated list.

• The Chicago Bears management still believes in Cedric Benson. For that quip, I needed the gag reflex of a porn star.

• Why Jeremy Shockey will start for the Giants in 2008 and Kevin Boss has neither arrived nor proven himself. Um, I kinda went numb after that one.

• Mike Mayock (Self proclaimed NFL Draft expert) giving me the low-down on Offensive Lineman for the upcoming draft. I learn a lot about technique and I learned a lot about the Senior Bowl. Hell, I even learned how to get the meringue on a pie to stay stiff….all from a guy that lasted two years in the Niffle.

• To finish off my evening commute, Solomon Wilcots chimed in with, “Your stock can rise or fall based on your performance at the combine”. That quote fell somewhere between John Madden’s “If you score more than your opponent, you’ll usually win” and Dusty Baker’s “Base runners just clog up the base paths”.

So what are we supposed to do to curb these Cro-Magnon urges that take control of our bodies and minds? The spouse will tell you, “its just a game”, “you’re scaring the family” or “the dog just pooped on the carpet”. What is the solution? Where can we go to be consoled, soothed and/or calmed down? We come here. We share our opinions, our views and our words. I guess what I am saying is this; we are no less qualified than those who speak from opinions derived from a need for viewers and/or ratings. We vent, we blog, we speak, and we listen because we care…not because we are paid.It’s nice knowing that that I can raise a middle finger and shout a hearty “FU” and never be considered less of an expert than the suits. It’s even better knowing that my opinion means as much as some of the paid sac-less wonders. That’s not saying much, but at least it’s the truth. Blog On!

While visiting the Green Bay Packers web site, I came along some serious factoids regarding cornerback Al Harris:

- A tough, smart veteran who continues to personify the term “shutdown” cornerback, regularly shadowing the opposing team’s top receiver and holding him in check.
- Uses that strength to re-route receivers and combines that with smarts and experience to diagnose routes often before the receivers make their breaks.
- The past three seasons has been called upon to follow the opponent’s best receiver all over the field, a challenge to which he quietly has looked forward and studiously watches film to prepare.

While watching the Giants/Packers game, it became all to obvious that Al Harris was quickly becoming the Giants MVP. Toasted, Roasted, Burned, Charred, Used, Abuse, Befuddled and Bewildered….all appropriate adjectives that could/should describe the Pro Bowl bound Al Harris. A ton of credit goes out to Eli, New York’s offensive line, and Tom Coughlin’s staff. However, without Al Harris’ ability to make RW McQuarters look like a “good find”, the outcome of this game would have been much different and maybe lopsided.

Sure it’s pretty rude to gang up on one player. So be it. I could have jumped on the “Did AJ Hawk play on Sunday?” theme. I could have beaten the “Brett Rex Favre” drum. Even the “Grant taken for granted” theme was available. But at the end of the game, I wasn’t looking at Favre’s interception(s), Grant’s 29 yards, the Packers inability to keep its defense off the field (22:34 vs NYG 40:01 time of possession). My only option seemed to be the obvious (quoting myself), “Al Harris abused like vibrator at a sorority house“. How could I not? Plaxico Burress with 11 catches for 154 yards. One could blame the coverage, one could blame the D line for lack of pressure, or one could blame the back in coverage…I blame Harris for taking the phrase, “bad game” and kicking it up a few notches. As for Burress…not bad for a guy that hasn’t practiced since June of ‘06 (made that up). Not bad at all.

As for the Packers, nothing but a lot of questions and thoughts:

• Was this Brett’s last hurrah?
• Cold weather team or cold withering team?
• How did Giants control the Pack’s running game? 
• Why was Coughlin’s face so shiny?
• Terry Bradshaw shows his red-kneckedness in post-game interview, why?
• The McCarthy Frozen Ball Theorem: A failure? Brett Favre responds with “Any time you play football in January, you’re gonna have cold balls…just the way it is”
• Which Packer abused the communal vibrator the most?
• The McCarthy Frozen Ball Theorem: A failure? Brett Favre responds with “Any time you play football in January, you’re gonna have cold balls…just the way it is”

I started a fantasy golf league on the sporting news. For those of you who still have accounts, you should be getting an email for tsn. For those of you without accounts, go sign up, it’s pretty easy.  The name of the league is KickedoffFoxsports.  The league is different from Yahoo in that you buy your golfers, get 2 trades per week, increase the value of your team, and eventually rule the world.  Let me know if you’re interested and if you sign onto tsn.com.

My team name is RealSportsBloggerdotCom.  Tag is The_Phoenix.

The password is “stbf”