Sarcasm Inc. and Just “Bring It” Enterprises

Sidenote as a preface to a soliloqui:

No I didn’t die or even crawl back to the pile-o-feces (f’emsports.com).  It’s just that sometimes a man needs to sit back and admire the empire of dog poo eagerly awaiting it’s post-winter pickings. Personally, work has gotten extremely busy (shitty economy means more work in the automotive field). My personal life has gotten a wee bit busier also (teaching my 8yrold daughter the how to’s and how not to’s of softball).  I’m also heavily involved in some solid ‘me time’. After dropping 25lbs since 12/30/06, I hit a stinking plateau and have been struggling to come up with something to get me down to 205lbs and 9% bodyfat. I’m currently at 221 and hovering in the 14% bf range (turbulencetraining.com).  Yep, solidly stuck in the middle of me-time!

WTF 1: If I don’t live in Boston, Detroit, LA or San Antonio…should I give a flying rat’s ass about the NBA?

Ans: No! It’s okay to ignore the NBA post-season provided you are just anticipating Women’s Beatch Volleyball season.

WTF 2: Brian Urlacher: whiny little pussey or due some cash consideration?

Ans: Whiny little pussey! Nobody made him sign his last contract. Nobody forced him to pocket the signing bonus. You don’t like the current contract? Take you ball and get the F outa Chitown.

WTF 3: AL Cental is upside down

Ans: Yep! How bad is the division when the Chisux are depantsing the Tribe and Tigers on a weekly basis?

WTF 4: Did the right David win American Idol?

Ans: Yep again! Anyone with the last name Archuleta will never get a vote from Redskins, Rams, or Bears fans. Did you hear what David Cook did with ‘Hello’ and ‘She Bops’?

WTF 5: Who took my Sarcastic Genius lapel pin?

Ans: I’m still looking

Later guys. I know this isn’t my best work, but it’s all I could muster in a 5 minute break.

Setup: Cincinnati Reds player Adam Dunn crushes a Kyle Farnsworth-like off-speed pitch over the right field fence during Reds 9-2 pounding of the beloved Cub. Ball lands somewhere between Sheffield Ave and Lake Michigan. As tradition has it, ball must be promptly retrieved and immediately returned to sender. In this case, 15 to 20 balls were returned to the hallowed grounds of Wrigley Field via airmail over the right field wall. Personally, I found this funny, amusing, it even elicited a rarely heard guffaw-chortle-snort from this lifelong Cubbies fan.

Side note: Things in recent Cubs history to cause the rare guffaw-chortle-snort…
1. Sammy Sosa cracking rib after sneezing
2. Kyle Farnsworthless going on DL after kicking a fan (of the electric variety)
3. Takeru Kobayashi losing his lunch after downing hotdog #55 during Famous Nathans 2007 Hotdog Eating Championship. (Kevin Bacon Rule…Cubs were interested in another Kobayashi, ended up getting Fukudome who happens to know both Kobayashi’s…but I digress)
4. Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael’s singing of the 7th Inning Stretch in which he called out the Home Plate Umpire.

Back to topic

Reds announcer Marty Brennaman decided to rip Cubs fans with some serious jabs immediately after the game. “This is the kind of thing…that makes you want to see the Cubs lose”…“Cubs fans are far and away the most obnoxious fans in this league”…“You simply root against them. I’ve said all winter, they talk about this team winning the division. They won’t win it because they are still the Chicago Cubs and they will figure a way to screw this whole thing up”.

But was Marty done with his eloquent diatribe? Not by a long shot! Marc Silverman, of WMVP 1000-AM in Chicago, had a chance to interview Brennaman on Friday and see if cooler heads prevailed. When asked if he regretted his comments, the response was another Shakespearian-like soliloquy. Brennaman replied with, “It may have been over the top (but) the only qualifier I will offer is that to the true Cub fans I apologize to them because I know there are great fans in the town.” Marty making nice? Wait for it, wait for it…

“I understand all these fans are all upset. Half of them are probably brain dead to begin with.” When asked to elaborate on his “problem”, he stated that it is with the fans throwing 15-20 balls on the field. Marty went on saying, “You don’t see it happening in any other ballpark. While you have tremendous Cub fans, you also have people who go with the intention of getting drunk and raising hell in that ballpark.”

The_Wrath of The_Phoenix in letter form:

Dear Martin,
You are a douche-bag. “Half of the Cubs fans with the intention of getting drunk and raising hell”? FYI, the drunken evil-doing ball tossing Cubs fans thou speaketh of, weren’t even in the ballpark…they were outside because the glue you were sniffing was giving them a contact high. 40,000 fans in attendance and 20,000 are drunk on a regular basis? In order to make an assessment regarding conduct in Wrigley, one must first have a sense of humor…

One must also spend time in the seats of the true fans….

And finally, one must worry about his own team, worry about his own fans, and most of all, STFU! In closing, I found a Video from Saturday Night Live that pretty much sums up my feelings about what you are Marty. Your job consists of watching the Red and pontificating about the evils of my Cubs from the announcer’s box, hence my tribute to you Mr. Brennaman…enjoy.

Dick in a Box

Love,

The_Phoenix/smoketheblowfish

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see

Bobby Wade was working out in Arizona when he heard the news. As Wade told the story Tuesday, one of his trainers rushed over and said: “Minnesota Vikings, NFC North champs!” 

Occasionally the addition of one player will make an impact on an offense, a defense, and even an entire team. While most teams are attempting to shore up their weaknesses through free agency, few could ever hope to pull off the miracle of ‘addition through subtraction’. Is Minnesota the beneficiary of Green Bay’s loss? Should be and could be, but won’t be.

Last year the Vikings finished the season with consecutive losses to the Broncos and Redskins, barely missing out on the post season. Defensively, Minnesota ranked 20th overall, but held the opposition to 74 yd/game on the ground. While the front seven was handling everything on two legs, the secondary was waving the white flag giving up 264 yards per game (32nd in the league).

On offense, the Vikings routinely destroyed opposing defenses by imposing their will (and Adrian Peterson) to the tune of 164 yds/game and 5.3 yds/carry. Synonymous with the Black and Blue Division…yes. Old School…yes. Will it work in 2008? Hah! (That’s ‘no’ in Chicagoese). Green Bay caught fire in a bottle when Ryan Grant erupted for 107 against Denver in week 7 and continued to provide defenses something else to worry about. Prior to that, the Pack was relying on the arm of #4…a recipe for self-destruction during igloo season in Wisconsin. A Championship team must display a penchant for excelling in both the run and the pass (learned that from Joe Theismann). Nearly every team in the playoffs did so, but the Vikings weren’t in the playoffs, were they? (Rhetorical, don’t answer this part of the quiz)

So what’s missing? The offensive and defensive lines are stacked. Running backs? The tandem of AP and Chester Taylor proved to be the best in the league last year. The passing attack? This is where it gets ugly.

Sorry…not that ugly, but I digress.

Tarvaris Jackson enters his second full season at the helm, Kelly Holcomb (backup) is gone, Brooks Bollinger is still on the bench, and the list of free agent backups is less than impressive. How about Daunte Culpepper (again), Byron Leftwich, Todd Collins, Tim Hasselbeck, or even Vinny Testesverdes? Actually, there are backups available who could take Tarvaris’ job if he didn’t have nasty pics of Brad Childress and Zygi Wilf munching on chalupas in the team hot tub.

Minnesota did decide to upgrade the receivers by adding $42 million in dropped passes (Bernard Berrian). Vikes fans will enjoy watching him speed down the sideline, settle under the ball, and watch it bounce off his helmet as he counts Benjamins. The positive is that defenses won’t be able to key on AP with the deep threat available to a quarterback with a rating of 70.

On defense, free agent safety Mewelde Moore signed of for six years at 30 million…some help, but not 264 yards/game worth. With DE Kenechi Udeze being diagnosed with leukemia and Erasmus James is coming off knee surgery, Minnesota has made feeble attempts at A-List talent and will have to rely on p p p potential. Potential is French for “we’re screwed”. More than likely, Minnesota will look for defensive starters in this years’ draft.

This is a team that will be fantastic once a few holes are filled, but even the void left by Brett Favre isn’t enough to allow Minnesota to become the NFC North Champion. That distinction will belong to the Detroit Lions (unless Chicago drafts a running back, wide receivers, 2 offensive tackles, a guard, a safety, and hires a new offensive coordinator).

Commodus: Your EmBearor asks for your loyalty, Maximus Ventus. Take my hand, I only offer it once.
Maximus Ventus: I beseech thee EmBearor Commodus. While I cannot offer my hand, let me offer you a finger. I call it “The Bird” and the mercenaries of Carthage call it “The Blowfish”.

My friends of blogdom, this is a rant…..Chicago Style

In the land of Chicago, while on winter vacation
Kyle Orton the Bear quarterback, was in deep contemplation
Should I stay in the Midwest or go far away?
Oakland or Pittsburgh, maybe Tampa Bay?

Has it been just over a year since Super Bowl XLI?
I carried a clipboard as Rex pissed down his thigh
Prince brought down the house with his Purple Rain
And Lovie (the scarecrow) asked Oz for a brain

So Orton did ponder and wonder and ponder and think
For my decision to be made, I must have a drink
He drank and he thought and he drank about ten more
His vision became blurry and he hit on a whoore (Canadian)

Her nose was quite sharp, her chin was quite strong
Her five o’clock shadow didn’t seem all that wrong
She called herself Jerry with the utmost decision
Her forte was scouting defense with impressive precision

Orton’s haze seemed to lift and his head became clear
Jerry put something in his drink; she had drugged his damn beer
Angelo, Jerry Angelo, dolled up like a chick in a dress?
“Yes Kyle, it’s me. I’ll have to explain and even confess”

“We have no run game, no receivers, no line, and a bad offensive coach”
“We have Griese and Rex Grossman”, he said as he snuffed out his roach
I have a Defense, two Tight Ends, but no one to take charge of this team
I want to win the big one, wear a hoodie, get in the HOF…that is my dream!

Orton snickered at this as he stared Angelo in the eye
Grossman for 3 mil., Des Clark two years for just 5?
What the hell are you thinking? Rex, C Benson, and linemen 40 years old?
This team really doth suck, if the truth must be told

I’ll play for you Jerry, but you must follow my rules
Pay me $4 million clams and get me some tools
A stud at left tackle, right guard, and a back
Get rid of Ron Turner, the guy’s such a hack
Let me call all the plays….I’ll run more than I’ll pass
Keep your nose out my business, get your head out your ass
Some Orton photos that will make y’all wish he was your QB

Rant Part Deux

Bear down Chicago Bears. Just over a year removed from the Super Bowl, coming off a pathetic season, yet the collective genius of upper management has spoken:

*Raise ticket prices for 2008 because. Because the Bears aren’t willing to spend money on quality players, the salary cap goes up, and a smaller payroll equates to a higher net profit. You mean we get to pay more and watch a bad team and freeze our manhood off in the snuggly confines of the Soldier Field UFO? What an unexpected bonus! I hope that comes with a Thigh Master.

*C Benson will have competition for the starting running back spot? Meanwhile back in the Bat Cave….the Bears have Zero A List talent in the backfield. The starting back will earn the position by what? Bouncing the farthest off his lead block? Recognizing a blitz (blocking not required)? How about a punt, pass, and kick competition? How about a “who can eat the most Ditka Dogs without puking in the hot tub” competition? I like the last idea, but we’re gonna have to get Lovie and Rex out of the tub first.

*Sign Rex Grossman for one more year at $3 million? The waiting list for season tickets just got longer…wooooo! Eli Manning finally paid dividends for the Giants, so (by process of elimination) Rex will become good too. Makes sense.

*Bears are considering carrying four quarterbacks next year (it’s true). Maybe they can smoosh ‘em all together and make one big Trent Dilfer.

*Give up on Brown, but not giving up on Brown. Guard Ruben Brown released after playing injured for most of the 2007 season. Safety Mike Brown (missed 43 games in the last 4 seasons) will be retained. Lovie Smith feels that “Mike is another part of the core”. For a translation of SmithSpeak, please dial 1800-FOR-DORK.

*Bernard Berrian…gone. Muhsin Muhammad…gone. Mark Bradley will now take his place as the #1 receiver…earned it with 6 catches last season.
I know I said, “Management has spoken”, but I’m not done with management quite yet.

Jerry Angelo/Lovie Smith quotes from the past week (I’m not making this up)

“There was a real good offensive lineman that we wanted at the time we drafted Kyle (Orton)…we opted to take Kyle and it really panned out well for us. So I don’t understand the value of the quarterback position” – JA

On moving left tackle John Tait back to right tackle (his natural position).. “If we go in the draft and the best tackle is a left tackle, what do we do with John?” – JA

“In the offseason you’re trying to improve your ballclub…we’re not saying we have all those areas taken care of” – LS

“The thing you have to do is create sobriety in the marketplace. Because you have the money doesn’t mean you have to spend the money.” – JA Bears fans are still waiting for spending to occur on players not named Kordell Stewart, Muhammed, and/or Archuleta.

So class, what have we learned today? What are the needs of the Bears going into the draft/off season?

·Free Agent signings on the Offensive Line (left tackle and guard), a safety (replace Mike Brown), number one wide receiver, and running back.
·Trade down with the first round pick. Wide receiver or running back with first selection, Offensive line with remaining picks…pretty simple huh?
·Hire an offensive coordinator with the ability to utilize the speed of Devin Hester and TE Greg Olsen. Must have football IQ high enough to realize that the screen and reverse shouldn’t be used 10 times per game.
·The Bears need to spend money on good players, not could (be good) players.

Here endeth lesson #20

We’ve all been there yelling at the TV while watching any NFL football game, haven’t we? It’s amazing what comes from the mouth of the average, middle-class, vertically challenged male in the 30-50 year-old demographic while viewing a game. Phrases like, “Who the hell was he throwing to?” “Not another draw play”, and “Where is the pass protection, coach?” flow freely from my mouth like driblets of gel from Pat Riley’s finely coiffed do. It is during this impromptu spew of unanswered questions and free form swearing, that my wife will usually attempt to wrangle my testes and secure them in her purse. I’ll look around the man room, taking note of the carnage; man’s best friend hiding under dining room table…check. Remote control buried in couch via carom off of TV…check. Daughter using some fairly creative adjectives to describe her thoughts on homework and/or vegetables of the green variety…check. Wife blocking clear path to both the fridge and TV (simultaneously)…check. (Note to self: loud belching should never be used to secure the affections of a slightly PO’ed spouse).

These are all merely collateral damage in the grand scheme of things. When I say grand scheme, I am referring to my sports-feelings. Like it or not, guys are sensitive! We are emotionally in tune with the fortunes/reversal of fortunes of our teams. If after 13 years of marriage, I can remember to put the toilet seat down, then why can’t I get relief from my spouse? Most of all, why can I not catch a break from the media-enhanced stupidity (flowing from both the speakers of my stereo and my television)? Is that where the nonsense stops? I say thee nay! From the snuggly confines of my suburban adobe, I hop into my ride (40 year-old expression for Car), head off to work, pop on the satellite radio and listen to the ramblings of ESPN (Mike and Mike, PTI, Dorks Around The Horn) and the NFL Network. It was during my ride home from work last night that it (an idea for this post) happened…Dream Sequence due to lack of continuity in prose….

…… as I was enjoying a brisk and ever so enchanting seventy-five minute drive home (30 miles), I was trying to come up with a post for this week. My MO is clear and simple: give me a topic (NFL) and I am stumped. Tell me that I can’t write about a topic and I become Chaucer. When you’re stuck in an enclosed space for over an hour, and your options for entertainment are Blue Collar Comedy, CNN, Fox News, Playboy Channel (nudity on radio?), or Howard Stern, what do you do? Being the idiot that I am, I opted for ESPN and the NFL Network …just had to get my Michael “Chris Rock” Wilbon/Tony “The Comb-over” Kornheiser fix and a smattering of “The NFL Blitz”. There it was basking in an amber aura! Jay Mariotti, the Chris Carter, Chris Rock, Terry Bradshaw and even Mike Ditka, all speaking some sort of Aramaic nonsense while sitting on their collective mouthpiece.

Ahhhhhhh! Dudes! You are the NFL experts/journalists who are supposed to be helping me out, giving me a place to vent, but you give me nothing. I look for guidance and clarification of facts. I look for sanity in an insane world; the truth is out there. What I got last night was the following:

• A list of over-rated NFL players? Who over-rated them in the first place? My guess would be the same guys who gave us the over-rated list.

• The Chicago Bears management still believes in Cedric Benson. For that quip, I needed the gag reflex of a porn star.

• Why Jeremy Shockey will start for the Giants in 2008 and Kevin Boss has neither arrived nor proven himself. Um, I kinda went numb after that one.

• Mike Mayock (Self proclaimed NFL Draft expert) giving me the low-down on Offensive Lineman for the upcoming draft. I learn a lot about technique and I learned a lot about the Senior Bowl. Hell, I even learned how to get the meringue on a pie to stay stiff….all from a guy that lasted two years in the Niffle.

• To finish off my evening commute, Solomon Wilcots chimed in with, “Your stock can rise or fall based on your performance at the combine”. That quote fell somewhere between John Madden’s “If you score more than your opponent, you’ll usually win” and Dusty Baker’s “Base runners just clog up the base paths”.

So what are we supposed to do to curb these Cro-Magnon urges that take control of our bodies and minds? The spouse will tell you, “its just a game”, “you’re scaring the family” or “the dog just pooped on the carpet”. What is the solution? Where can we go to be consoled, soothed and/or calmed down? We come here. We share our opinions, our views and our words. I guess what I am saying is this; we are no less qualified than those who speak from opinions derived from a need for viewers and/or ratings. We vent, we blog, we speak, and we listen because we care…not because we are paid.It’s nice knowing that that I can raise a middle finger and shout a hearty “FU” and never be considered less of an expert than the suits. It’s even better knowing that my opinion means as much as some of the paid sac-less wonders. That’s not saying much, but at least it’s the truth. Blog On!

While visiting the Green Bay Packers web site, I came along some serious factoids regarding cornerback Al Harris:

- A tough, smart veteran who continues to personify the term “shutdown” cornerback, regularly shadowing the opposing team’s top receiver and holding him in check.
- Uses that strength to re-route receivers and combines that with smarts and experience to diagnose routes often before the receivers make their breaks.
- The past three seasons has been called upon to follow the opponent’s best receiver all over the field, a challenge to which he quietly has looked forward and studiously watches film to prepare.

While watching the Giants/Packers game, it became all to obvious that Al Harris was quickly becoming the Giants MVP. Toasted, Roasted, Burned, Charred, Used, Abuse, Befuddled and Bewildered….all appropriate adjectives that could/should describe the Pro Bowl bound Al Harris. A ton of credit goes out to Eli, New York’s offensive line, and Tom Coughlin’s staff. However, without Al Harris’ ability to make RW McQuarters look like a “good find”, the outcome of this game would have been much different and maybe lopsided.

Sure it’s pretty rude to gang up on one player. So be it. I could have jumped on the “Did AJ Hawk play on Sunday?” theme. I could have beaten the “Brett Rex Favre” drum. Even the “Grant taken for granted” theme was available. But at the end of the game, I wasn’t looking at Favre’s interception(s), Grant’s 29 yards, the Packers inability to keep its defense off the field (22:34 vs NYG 40:01 time of possession). My only option seemed to be the obvious (quoting myself), “Al Harris abused like vibrator at a sorority house“. How could I not? Plaxico Burress with 11 catches for 154 yards. One could blame the coverage, one could blame the D line for lack of pressure, or one could blame the back in coverage…I blame Harris for taking the phrase, “bad game” and kicking it up a few notches. As for Burress…not bad for a guy that hasn’t practiced since June of ‘06 (made that up). Not bad at all.

As for the Packers, nothing but a lot of questions and thoughts:

• Was this Brett’s last hurrah?
• Cold weather team or cold withering team?
• How did Giants control the Pack’s running game? 
• Why was Coughlin’s face so shiny?
• Terry Bradshaw shows his red-kneckedness in post-game interview, why?
• The McCarthy Frozen Ball Theorem: A failure? Brett Favre responds with “Any time you play football in January, you’re gonna have cold balls…just the way it is”
• Which Packer abused the communal vibrator the most?
• The McCarthy Frozen Ball Theorem: A failure? Brett Favre responds with “Any time you play football in January, you’re gonna have cold balls…just the way it is”

I started a fantasy golf league on the sporting news. For those of you who still have accounts, you should be getting an email for tsn. For those of you without accounts, go sign up, it’s pretty easy.  The name of the league is KickedoffFoxsports.  The league is different from Yahoo in that you buy your golfers, get 2 trades per week, increase the value of your team, and eventually rule the world.  Let me know if you’re interested and if you sign onto tsn.com.

My team name is RealSportsBloggerdotCom.  Tag is The_Phoenix.

The password is “stbf”

Dude, dude, DUDE! One of my favorite commercials.  In fact, the “dude” commercial is the only ad to make it past the censors (i e. my right thumb and the fast-forward button on the Dish). In the word Dude, we have possibly a perfect word in many areas:

• size - only four letters
• alliteration - two d’s allow for emphasis on both
• grammatical usage - Dude can be used as a one word question with an infinite number of meanings.  Can be used as a statement or also an exclamation.
• pronunciation - only one way to say “dude”, even in Canadian.

 Famous Dudes in History? One could make the argument for Joe Theismann, his dude-dom was short-lived due to a case of Mondaynightpuditis.  Mel Gibson was an A-List Dude until he realized that Jesus was Jewish.  John Wayne…Dude.  Del Computer Guy….neo-Dude. Below, you’ll find HOF dudes:

Beuhler? Beuhler? Beuhler

Vinny Barbarino/Greased Lightning/Michael and Mr. Knight Rider

The Original Dude: Spicoli

So this weekend, I’m watching the Niffle Playoffs (the second best weekend of Niffle football period!) and my “Dude” sensors start a tinglin’ (kinda like Spidey Senses with a hint of Thyme and the aroma of sarcasm).

Packers put a Cheese-beating on the ‘Hawks.  Four minutes into the game, Seattle is up 14-0 and I couldn’t be happier.  Bears fans drool over all things anti-pack, and I needed a bib.  Then it happened, the Packers literally ran away with the ball and decided that Mike Holmgren should just enjoy his frequent flyer miles because he wouldn’t get any more for the month of January.  Key factoids:

• Seattle outscored 42-6 after using up their two Ryan Grant “multiple fumble” cards
• Farrrvee completed 18/23 with a pair of tuddies and didn’t whine about the weather like he did post-beat-down in Chicago
• Ryan Grant ran for a pedestrian 207 yards on 4 carries, scored three times, and flipped off the nearest Seahawk on two of those scores. This was unfortunate for Mike Holmgren, given that he was the nearest Seahawk
• Shaun Alexander accounted for 33 yards in total offense, thus solidifying himself as the Most Expensive Player to Do The Least for The Most
• Brett threw a snowball to Donald Driver which went for a touchdown

Dude! Patriots just do what they do. Dude? “He ain’t all that … He’s all right,” Jags rookie Reggie Nelson said after Thom Brady tattooed HOF/MVP on the safety’s behind. The Jaguars put up a valiant effort ’til the bell tolled and Rosie O’Donell sang Too Much Too Little (Peaches and Herb classic). 

Goober Dude, what gives? You have any idea what people in Indiana (Indianapolis is in Indiana for those who didn’t know, including many of us in Chicago) do for fun between the Niffle season and the Indy 500? They do nothing. Think of Indianapolis as Green Bay with less snow and no cheese….scary huh? Key info:

• Ely Manning playing next weekend, not Peyton
• Peyton got two chances to win the game and failed
• Rivers and LT on the sidelines for most of 2nd half…career backup Billy Volek leads comeback win?
• Bingo has been re-scheduled for Sunday 3:00 pm EST at all Hoosier Bread n Breakfast’s
• Chargers on a hot streak….Patriots on the hottest streak
• Turner went down to Indy, he was looking for a soul to steal, he was in a bind runnin out of time and he was ready to make a deal.  LT and Rivers were done when things started looking grim, when a man called Billy Volek said “coach I gonna show that we can defeat the Colts”.  The Underdog came from a score behind and the crowd groaned “The Bolts?”

The Romo Code, dude.  Crying in football?  Nope, but sit-ups in the driveway are always a bonus.  1990: The last time a #1 seed in the NFC lost in this round of the playoffs.  How many ways are their to lose a playoff game? Tony has found out twice. Q and A: Team A has 23 first downs to Team B’s 16. Team A has converted 10-16 3rd downs compared to Team B’s 4-9.  Team A has accumulated 106 more net yards than Team B.  Team B’s defense in on the field 1.5 times as long as Team A and has 1 less sack…which team wins?

• Dallas’ strength going into the game was the offensive line
• Romo was sacked twice during the Cowboys final two drives
• Ely feels the love of all New Yorkers….unless the Giants lose next week in Canada
• Giants defense in could be trouble against Packers Ryan Grant.  Coughlin may spend copious amounts of time teaching team the difference between the words “Giants” and “Grant”…tackle Grant not Giant. Word look same, but word mean different….dude
• I doubt Farve will lie down for another Strahan sack
• Giants sympathizers plant fake Jessica in Dallas? Romo can’t tell the difference? What body parts are not considered fake? When questioned,  Romo said, “From the view I had, the top of her head looked the same as always”. News at 11.

After a whirlwind tour of Disneyworld, Seaworld, and the wonderful airports of Tampa and Chicago (Midway), the vacation finally had to end.  Since my adventure and recollections were many, I’ll make this post as short as I can and leave you hanging at the new year’s eve confrontation between myself and Billy Bob Sasquatch for the end.

We (Me, Mrs. STBF, and mini-she-me) got up at 3:00am Friday to eagerly await the arrival of Mike the Limo Driver.  All went well and we made our 6:20 flight by a whopping 10 minutes (no stress, none at all).  Between the hours of 3 and 6, there was much joy in Smokeville!  I got to carry two suitcases (who needs the fricking pull-strap when you are manly?) from the limo to the nearest line of Chicago rocket-scientists.  From there we headed to the Security Line so we could all enjoy the complimentary Body Cavity Search (note to self: chow down on the Beanie Weenies and Sliders the night before).  We all loaded onto the plane and took off on time, barely missing the snow storm by one hour. 

Welcome to the Great State of Florida!

Flight was due in at 9:05.  Flight landed at 9:05.  Carried 100 lbs of luggage to Enterprise, got the keys to a shiny 2008 Nissan Altima (2.5 liter POS).  Spent 5 minutes deciding on the following fuel options:

1. Bring car back with the same amount of fuel that I left with
2. Pay for a full tank of gas @ $2.59/gal and not have to return with a full tank
3. Let Enterprise fill the tank for a mere $5.59/gal

I chose option #2 and saved $10 with which I could spend on a lap dance with Princess Areola at the Magic Condom.

Next stop, Gator Land! (We were in constant motion for 8 days)Summary: We were entertained by a Gator Land employee named Bubba Claus.  I fed an alpaca, a goat, a cow, and dropped some loose change in the ass-crack of some gravity impaired woman staring at an Albino Python.  We stood around the feeding pond as handlers attempted to feed the gators chickens.  Gators weren’t hungry and I was far from impressed.  For the finale of Gator Land, we paid $10 so my daughter could sit on the back of a croc (the same $10 I had ear-marked for Princess Areola).  Then we got to pay another $20 for the photo and frame.  Ate some bad food at the Macaroni Grill and drove to Disney for some sleep.

Day 2: Seaworld

Summary: Took 45 minutes for a 10 minute trip.  Entered the park and immediately went to feed the Dolphins and Sting Rays (paid $4 for 3 fish).  The Rays’ mouths are on the bottom, so you can’t see their mouths when the suck the fish.  Buffed the head of Flipper as he munched my $4 in 10 seconds. Now that’s what I call fun! We watched the Shamu show (awesome), sat in the splash zone, and thoroughly laughed as the 15,000 lb Orca sent a wave that stopped at the row in front of us.  Went to see the Clydesdale’s, ate lunch, and got free beer courtesy of Anh./Bush! Went back to Disney for a quick swim.

Day 3: Sunday with the Brother and Sister in law

Notice that we have yet to step foot onto the hallowed grounds of Disney? So did I.  75 mile drive to Bradenton.  Watched the game show Press Your Luck on The Game-show Network, a great time was had by all (mouth breathers).  Ate dinner (all stuff not on my diet). Said our good-byes and drove 75 miles back to our room.

Days 5-7:Visited Epcot (2 killer rides, almost barfed on the Space Simulator).  Ventured into Epcot’s Nations of the World area.  Ate bad food from multiple countries…finally ended up in Canada (WTF? No Donuts or Orange Juice, just fried Moose-noots).  Went back to the Magic Kingdom for an over-priced meal in Cinderella’s Castle.  Spent the final four hours of the vacation at MGM.  Mini-sheme dug the elevator ride, but hated Aerosmith’s indoor roller-coaster (seems that dad lied when repeated asked the question, “does it go upside down?).

As I begin to bore myself with the details, I’ll just skip to the items which I found of the most interest:

• The nicest people I met were from Canada.
• “It’s a small world” ride shut down as of 1/01/08 to upgrade boats.  Seems that the current boats are dragging along the bottom due to a case of Biggie-Ass.
• The biggest jag-offs were from Illinois.
• A sports fan from Boston let me in on a secret…He said that Boston fans are the most obnoxious in all of sports. 
• Americans were the minority in Disney (see chart below..Euro to US Dollar)

• When you enter the parks, you have to run your ticket through a card reader.  You then place a finger on a pad to be scanned.  My running joke (in my own mind), was to present my middle finger to security and ask if it was the one to be scanned….not too many found this funny.
• Princess Jasmine could lay off the Krispy Kreams for a while.
• It’s improper to ask Princess Aurora to play “pick up the pencil”.
• Sticking a dollar bill down the crack of an unsuspecting tourist and asking for change will get you thrown off of Space Mountain.

Questions I began asking myself:

• Do all fat people need wheel chairs when at an amusement park?
• Why do all European men appear to be gay?
• When driving through Florida streets we saw signs for “Speed Humps”…Isn’t that illegal in most states?
• Why do people wait 70-90 minutes in lines, finally get to the ride, and puss-out?
• How can foreigners come to this country, manage their way around 4 parks, purchase fricking mouse ears, pay for Mickey waffles, and still not know the phrases “Excuse me”, “Please move to the front of the line” and “Hey Sergio, your wife sure has a great set of ta ta’s…mind if I bang her?”?

Day 4: New Year’s Eve aka Billy Bob Sasquatch meets STBF

At 5:00 pm New Year’s Eve, we found a seat wall with a great view for the phantasmofrickin riffick neon light parade.  The parade was scheduled for 6:30, so it was imperative that the Smoke Family Robinson found a spot early.  At 6:40 a little boy is placed in front of my daughter’s view by (what appeared to be) a shaved Sasquatch dressed in his finest Hill Billy attire.  Conversation went as such:

STBF: What do you think you’re doing? We’ve been here for an hour and half just to see this parade!

BBS: We’ve been here for an hour, so what? (My wife yells the impressive, “yeah..right!” comment. If this Skunk Ape had made its’ presence known within a 3 mile radius over the past hour, I would have known)

STBF: (Jumping down from the seat wall, surprising both the wife and Bigfoot with my new-found agility) Dude! What gives? You show up and pop your kid up on the wall? Ever hear of common courtesy?

BBS: I don’t need no courtesy (really, he said it).  This here is for the kids.

STBF: Oh, okay, that explains everything.  So when you were in Rocket Science 101, the professor said “screw courtesy, it’s all about the kids, ruin the parade for someones 7 year old daughter”? (Note: this dude was 6′5″ without heels, 260lbs, and I’m guessing about 19-21% body fat. Me? 6′2″ 217lbs, 14.9% body-fat and relatively pissed..advantage STBF)

We continued the verbal banter for a few minutes until Mrs. Sasquatch told Billy Bob to STFU.

STBF: Dude! All you had to do was ask if your son could grab a spot, I would have said “yes” and I’m still saying “yes” even though you have no clue about what being human is…enjoy the parade.

Sorry guys, no fight.  Just another example of Douche Bags completely infiltrating all things cherished. That being said, it’s good to be back! Later.

Tomorrow at this time 9:20am EST, the Blowfish family will have landed in the wonderful city of Tampa/St. Pete.  While I am privy to a plethora of shitty towns in the Chicago ‘burbs, I find Tampa to be in a league of its’ own and I shall bask in its’ crappyness.  As we meander from Florida’s west coast to the Magic Kingdom, I hope to gain back the sanity which once occupied the frontal lobe of my cranium.  The loss of brain cells seems to originate from one point in time……the Super Bowl.

From September through December of 2006 was my personal blogging highlight reel.  As a Bears fan, it just could not have been any better.  Trash talk, smack, ignorant rhetoric! These were a few of my favorite things.  Super Bowl Sunday, Bears vs Colts, The Offense vs The Defense, The Purple One for halftime festivities! 

Smoke in his kerchief and the TV on high, had just settled down to see Rex piss down his thigh

But what did appear from Bears end zone? Devin Hester snatching the kickoff like a dog with a bone

He ran and he scurried and shuffled and danced, to the joy of all Bears fans, finding wood in their pants

Yep, that was the beginning of the end.  The Bulls took their annual crap in the playoffs, the Chicago Blackhawks never really did anything (til now), and the Cubs were like a bad porn movie…..ugly actors and even worse acting.  When it was time gush, they merely fizzled.

Upward and onward my blogging amigos! This year I (smoketheblowfish) have decided to declare New Years Revolutions! No dill-hole, not Resolutions, resolutions are for tuckunders without any true direction.

Revolutions:

1. Foxsports.com is dead to me….hear me? Dead!  No more words, you tell me that you love me when your looking away (name the artist, win a free Molson neon night-light).
2. I’ve been too nice to other bloggers in the nether-regions of cyberspace, time to change because when it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange (name the artist, get a free “I dig the Pig” t-shirt).
3. We’ve got to get this site kickin’ up a lot.  I will give everything I got to help out.
4. 2008 will be the year of Comedic Genus!
5. Gonna drop another 15 lbs and body-fat % another 3%.  Dropped 25lbs in ’07 and I’m gonna be hard all over!
6. I’m not dropping off the cyber map again.

To everyone here at REALSPORTSBLOGGERS.COM, have a great New Years eve/day.  I’ll catch up with you all after Jan. 4th.

Much love to my amigos,

Mike Z.