I Vent Therefore I Spew
By smoketheblowfish on Feb 15, 2008 in Uncategorized
We’ve all been there yelling at the TV while watching any NFL football game, haven’t we? It’s amazing what comes from the mouth of the average, middle-class, vertically challenged male in the 30-50 year-old demographic while viewing a game. Phrases like, “Who the hell was he throwing to?” “Not another draw play”, and “Where is the pass protection, coach?” flow freely from my mouth like driblets of gel from Pat Riley’s finely coiffed do. It is during this impromptu spew of unanswered questions and free form swearing, that my wife will usually attempt to wrangle my testes and secure them in her purse. I’ll look around the man room, taking note of the carnage; man’s best friend hiding under dining room table…check. Remote control buried in couch via carom off of TV…check. Daughter using some fairly creative adjectives to describe her thoughts on homework and/or vegetables of the green variety…check. Wife blocking clear path to both the fridge and TV (simultaneously)…check. (Note to self: loud belching should never be used to secure the affections of a slightly PO’ed spouse).
These are all merely collateral damage in the grand scheme of things. When I say grand scheme, I am referring to my sports-feelings. Like it or not, guys are sensitive! We are emotionally in tune with the fortunes/reversal of fortunes of our teams. If after 13 years of marriage, I can remember to put the toilet seat down, then why can’t I get relief from my spouse? Most of all, why can I not catch a break from the media-enhanced stupidity (flowing from both the speakers of my stereo and my television)? Is that where the nonsense stops? I say thee nay! From the snuggly confines of my suburban adobe, I hop into my ride (40 year-old expression for Car), head off to work, pop on the satellite radio and listen to the ramblings of ESPN (Mike and Mike, PTI, Dorks Around The Horn) and the NFL Network. It was during my ride home from work last night that it (an idea for this post) happened…Dream Sequence due to lack of continuity in prose….
…… as I was enjoying a brisk and ever so enchanting seventy-five minute drive home (30 miles), I was trying to come up with a post for this week. My MO is clear and simple: give me a topic (NFL) and I am stumped. Tell me that I can’t write about a topic and I become Chaucer. When you’re stuck in an enclosed space for over an hour, and your options for entertainment are Blue Collar Comedy, CNN, Fox News, Playboy Channel (nudity on radio?), or Howard Stern, what do you do? Being the idiot that I am, I opted for ESPN and the NFL Network …just had to get my Michael “Chris Rock” Wilbon/Tony “The Comb-over” Kornheiser fix and a smattering of “The NFL Blitz”. There it was basking in an amber aura! Jay Mariotti, the Chris Carter, Chris Rock, Terry Bradshaw and even Mike Ditka, all speaking some sort of Aramaic nonsense while sitting on their collective mouthpiece.
Ahhhhhhh! Dudes! You are the NFL experts/journalists who are supposed to be helping me out, giving me a place to vent, but you give me nothing. I look for guidance and clarification of facts. I look for sanity in an insane world; the truth is out there. What I got last night was the following:
- A list of over-rated NFL players? Who over-rated them in the first place? My guess would be the same guys who gave us the over-rated list.
- The Chicago Bears management still believes in Cedric Benson. For that quip, I needed the gag reflex of a porn star.
- Why Jeremy Shockey will start for the Giants in 2008 and Kevin Boss has neither arrived nor proven himself. Um, I kinda went numb after that one.
- Mike Mayock (Self proclaimed NFL Draft expert) giving me the low-down on Offensive Lineman for the upcoming draft. I learn a lot about technique and I learned a lot about the Senior Bowl. Hell, I even learned how to get the meringue on a pie to stay stiff….all from a guy that lasted two years in the Niffle.
- To finish off my evening commute, Solomon Wilcots chimed in with, “Your stock can rise or fall based on your performance at the combine”. That quote fell somewhere between John Madden’s “If you score more than your opponent, you’ll usually win” and Dusty Baker’s “Base runners just clog up the base paths”.
So what are we supposed to do to curb these Cro-Magnon urges that take control of our bodies and minds? The spouse will tell you, “its just a game”, “you’re scaring the family” or “the dog just pooped on the carpet”. What is the solution? Where can we go to be consoled, soothed and/or calmed down? We come here. We share our opinions, our views and our words. I guess what I am saying is this; we are no less qualified than those who speak from opinions derived from a need for viewers and/or ratings. We vent, we blog, we speak, and we listen because we care…not because we are paid.It’s nice knowing that that I can raise a middle finger and shout a hearty “FU” and never be considered less of an expert than the suits. It’s even better knowing that my opinion means as much as some of the paid sac-less wonders. That’s not saying much, but at least it’s the truth. Blog On!
Strong words. That was more moving that Mel Gibson’s Braveheart spiel.
Nothing ruins a pie like non-stiff meringue.
Yeah, maybe a little over the top but I was having trouble closing the deal. I am quite proud of the first two paragraphs! Pure Genus.
When the snow thaws, and the drive home isn’t so long…eat 4 bran muffins whenever you have writer’s block. Unclog the mind while you unclog the plumbing. Nothing like half an hour of quiet time on the shitter to stimulate the brain.
We actually have a heavy snow warning for this evening and tomorrow, which is rare out here in the desert. The warning goes on to say “snow accumulations of 2 to 4 inches are expected”. One of the many advantages to living out here, the women aren’t used to seeing more than a couple of inches.
So……
What the hell is the secret of stiff meringue?
Cornholler needs to wear one of those elf hats, like that lucky charms character. The green suit would go well with his green teeth too.
smoketheblowfish
If the wife is stepping infront of the tv set dressed in nothing but some sexy lingerie. Then you ought to be takin’ notice of what she’s saying. As otherwise there’ll be ‘no soup’ for you in the bedroom.
I tend to ignore the likes of Bayless , Stephen A and Le Batard when they’re on ESPN. I’d rather be ‘waterboarded’ by a GITMO prison guard. Now let me get this right if I consult the AG will he tell me that it’s illegal or not ?
tophatal ……..
Shooter, I have a hearty fuck you going out to the Southwest! Your little storm is sending rain, sleet (1/4-1/2 inch of ice), followed by 6+ inches of snow. More snow, wooooohoooo!
M, I love how a post can be read and the eyes and brain immediately gravitate to the word “stiff”.
THA, agreed.
MoonDog | Feb 15, 2008 | Reply
Excellent post dude. I was telling a friend of mine today that I get better sports news - unbiased and straight forward news - from bloggers. I have come to agree with everything you’re venting about. The nit-wit talking heads are trying to lead you to a place THEY want you to go.
This is ever so true in realm of political news, as I sure you know. I’ve reached a point where I don’t read the papers or watch the “news” because there isn’t anything relevant to read.
Very enjoyable read.
MeanDovine | Feb 15, 2008 | Reply
Dude, I gotta get back to read this!
In a minute …
thedan | Feb 15, 2008 | Reply
You had me at “coiffed do”.
Was salomon wilcox speaking on SI Kids radio? I remember reading those magazines as a kid. There is a reason they don’t do that anymore.
Good post Smoke.
fuzzboss | Feb 15, 2008 | Reply
Very excellent rant/for years I have been blessed. If “The Game” (meaning anytime the Steelers are on the tube) is on, the TV is mine and mine alone, course we do have four, but the BIG one is mine.Now, after the game is usually the pain in the arse. But least I get to yell and scream at the TV all I want.
MeanDovine | Feb 16, 2008 | Reply
Beautiful ode, if I may call it that, my brother.
I hung on every word …
————-
Cedric Benson should be done.
Bob the Accountant | Feb 16, 2008 | Reply
Do you get the Accounting Channel on Satellite Radio?
That yellow toothed bastard Joe the Accountant has a Tony Cornhole Michael Wilbon board game in his cubicle.
I hate that guy!
You belch/burp when your wife interrupts your sports viewing. I myself will hold gas for hours just for the possibility of my wife interrupting MY TIME. I hit her with a power fart and she gets disgusted and stomps away.
Beautifully written Smoke. I understand and agree with your sentiment. We are not experts nor are we privy to any inside information. We come here because of our love and passion for competition and sports. Not much different that Cornholler and what’s his name. Last week they called Hendrick Zetterburg…HIND-RICK!!! For fuck sakes…If you’re going to talk about one of the top five hockey players in the world, say his name right!
By the way…if you’re stuck in a writers block and you don’t know what to blog about, you can always go over to Dayna Perry’s blog and steal some of his ideas. Oh wait…then you’d just be repeating yourself. Nevermind.
MeanDovine | Feb 16, 2008 | Reply
Shouldn’t be so eff’ing brilliant …
Mean…he can’t help himself.
Gracias my sports-blogging amigos. I would’ve responded on Saturday, but had to take mini-me to the doctor (on a day that I rarely take off). Spent the weekend with a sick daughter and sick wife watching Snow Buddies, Hannah Montana, and Underdog while playing butler, cook, and janitor!
I’ve tried to steal from DP, but how do you create a post from “fill in the caption”?
YeeMum | Apr 1, 2008 | Reply
I’m a little late, but a good vent.
I’ll be back